Give people space to cope

Went to a company training the other day. We were given a refresher course on the theory and practice of DBT, which stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Anyway, the “golden nugget” of perspective that I walked away with was as follows: People’s behaviors ARE their solutions for coping. Let me apply it to one of my children. Reed gets frustrated and decides to call me a name and storm to his room (this has happened a couple of times). Now, I need to remember that Reed didn’t wake up this morning and decide, “I am out to get Dad and make is life miserable”. Instead, he ran across some frustration and needed to cope. His repertoire of coping skills is rather limited right now. His SOLUTION was to call me a name and go to his room. This reminds me of a statement that I indirectly heard from a young lady recently. When discussing why she spoke so rudely to her parents, she responded something like: “My sarcasm is my identity or my rude words are my only way to assert myself right now.”

I think I put too much stock in mean words coming from my children (though I am working on this). They must feel powerless if they get in a argument with me; and using names and rudeness is their way of fighting. I don’t condone it, per se. But I understand that this is their solution for the problem they are facing. They don’t say it to attack me as much as they are saying it to defend themselves and to cope with their frustrations.

I need to remember that they are doing the best they can, just like most people are most of the time.